All the World's a Golf Course

Now that I'm the leader of the free world, I can play golf anywhere I want.

Kramer Hits Golf Balls into the Ocean

In this Seinfeld episode, Kramer takes 600 Titleists from a driving range and decides to drive to the beach and hit them into the ocean.





Kramer: Hey! Who wants to have some fun?

Jerry: I do.

George: I do.

Kramer: Now, are you just saying you want to have fun, or do you really want to have fun?

Jerry: I really want to have fun.

George: I'm just saying I want to have some fun.

Kramer: Right now, there are 600 Titleists, that I got from the driving range, in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rockaway and hit them, into the ocean? Now picture this: We find a nice sweet spot between the dunes. We take out our drivers, we tee up, and wumpf, that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... gloonk.

***

Jerry: I did it for you.

George: I don't know what you had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position... marine biologist. I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.

Jerry: You know, with all due respect, I would think it's right up your alley.

George: Well, it' not up my alley. It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doing. I know my alleys. You've got me in the G islands living with the turtles. I don't where the hell I am.

Jerry: Well, you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing, and.

Look. Why couldn't you make me an architect. You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well, I'm supposed to see her tomorrow. I'm going to tell her what's going on. I mean maybe she just likes me for me.

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: Hey.

Kramer: Hey, you want these? I don't want them!

Jerry: What?

Kramer: I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out there!

Jerry: Well, what happened?

Kramer: I have no concentration!

Jerry: What, what's wrong with your...

Kramer: This sand. I can't get rid of this sand. But there's still some in here. It won't go away! Look at that! I even got sand in the pockets!

Jerry: Hey, come on. You're getting it all over the floor.

***

George: As I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

Jerry: Mammal.

George. Whatever.

Kramer: Hey, what did you do next?

George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him, face to face with the blow hole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there, so I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.

[George reaches into his jacket, pulls out a golf ball and holds it up.]

Kramer: What is that, a Titleist? A hole in one, huh?

Traces of Golf

Faded clubhouse tabs
Covered now with lines and creases
Scorecards torn in half
Memories in bits and pieces

Traces of golf
Long ago
That didn't work out right
Traces of golf

Tees we used to share
Souvenirs of games together
The glove she used to wear
Fuzzies from an old golf sweater

Traces of golf
Long ago
That didn't work out right
Traces of golf
With me tonight.

I close my eyes
And say a prayer
That in her heart she'll find
A trace of golf still there,
Somewhere

Traces of hope
In the night
That she'll come back and dry
These traces of tears
From my eyes

Shankopotamus E*Trade Golf Baby

Baby: Oh, this is weak man. Frank's trying to not pay me my winnings for the skins beat down I just issued him, because his 401K is tanking. It's like, dude, you gotta grab the reins, man, get E*Trade, do some analytics, do some research, and take charge, so I don't have to subsidize your lack of golfing skills.

Frank: But on the ninth hole, you moved your ball.

Baby: Frank, it was on the cart path. Why don't you try reading the rules, Shankopotamus?

Tiger Woods Earns His Billionth Dollar

By winning the 2009 FedEx Cup, Forbes magazine estimates that Tiger has now earned over one billion dollars. Tiger says he's thinking about hiring an extra caddy to carry his wallet.

Boo Weekley's Happy Gilmore Bull Dance

Boo Weekley gallops off the first tee to start his Sunday singles match at the 2008 Ryder Cup. Boo won his match 4 and 2, making six birdies and one eagle.

Two Paula Creamers

Pink Paula: I just love pink. Especially, my Precepts. The softest lady's ball ever made.

Power Paula: Well, I like that it has more power for a woman's swing.

Pink Paula: No wonder it's the top selling lady's ball.

Power Paula: No wonder I win so many times.

Pink Paula: We won so many times.

Power Paula: [Roars like a lion at Pink Paula.]

Pink Paula: I think someone needs a hug.

Golfzilla

With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound
He digs giant divots from the ground

Helpless people surrounding the pin
Scream bug-eyed as he looks down on them

He picks up a cart and he throws it back down
As he stomps through the fairways playing his round

Oh no, they say he drives for show
Go go Golfzilla, yeah
Oh no, they say he putts for dough
Go go Golfzilla, yeah

Oh no, they say he drives for show
Go go Golfzilla, yeah
Oh no, they say he putts for dough
Go go Golfzilla, yeah

History shows again and again
How golfing points up the folly of men
Golfzilla!

History shows again and again
How golfing points up the folly of men
Golfzilla!

John Daly Anonymous

John Daly was recently asked about his struggle with drinking. Daly responded, "I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink, but under a different name."

Addicted to Golf

The lights are on, but you’re not home
Your mind... is not your own
Your heart sweats, your body shakes
Another drive... is what it takes

You can’t sleep, you can’t eat
There’s no doubt, you’re in deep
Your throat is tight, you can’t breathe
Another putt... is all you need

Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It’s closer to the truth to say you... can’t get enough,
You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to golf

You see the signs, but you can’t read
You’re running at... a different speed
Your heart beats... in double time
Another round, and you’ll be fine
A one track mind

You can’t be saved
A perfect shot... is all you crave
If there’s some... game for you
You don’t mind... if you do

Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It’s closer to the truth to say you... can’t get enough,
You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to golf

Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf

Your lights are on, but you’re not home
Your will... is not your own
Your heart sweats, your teeth grind
Another round, and you’ll be fine

Whoa, you like to think that you’re immune to the stuff, oh yeah
It’s closer to the truth to say you... can’t get enough,
You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to golf

Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf
Might as well face it, you’re addicted to golf