Bill Murray -- Carl Spackler
Rodney Dangerfield -- Al Czervik
Chevy Chase -- Ty Webb
Ted Knight -- Judge Smails
Michael O'Keefe -- Danny Noonan
Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong, and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over there in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. The twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga. Gunga, gunga lagunga. So we finish eighteen and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that going for me, which is nice.
Carl Spackler: What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack, at Augusta. He's on his final hole. He's about 455 yards away. He's going to hit about a two iron, I think. Boy, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved Augusta crowd is going wild. For this young Cinderella, who has come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left. He's going to hit about a five iron it looks like. Don't you think? He's got a beautiful back swing. That's, oh! He got all of that one! He's got to be pleased with that. The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got, looks like he's got an eight iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent. Cinderella story. Out of nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now about to become the Master's champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole!
Al Czervik: Give me half a dozen of the Vulcan D-tens, and set my friend up here with the whole schmeer. You know, clubs, bags, shoes, gloves, shirt, pants. Hey, orange balls! I'll have a box of those, and give me a box of those naked-lady tees. And give me two of those. Give me six of those. Oh, this is the worst looking hat I ever saw! You buy a hat like this, I'll bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh, it looks good on you, though.
Carl Spackler: People say, you know, I'm an idiot, or something, because all I do is cut lawns for a living, you know.
Ty Webb: Oh, people don't say that about you, as far as you know.
Carl Spackler: Well, I'm working on it, so I don't ever have to... I'm going to be the head greenskeeper, hopefully within six years. That's my schedule. But I am studying this stuff, so I know it, you know, like, you know, Chinch bugs, you know. Manganese. A lot of people don't even know what that is. Nitrogen, you know.
Judge Smails: "It's easy to grin when your ship comes in, and you've got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile, when his shorts are too tight in the seat!"
Carl Spackler: Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts. How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? Scum, slime, menace to the golfing industry! You're a disgrace. And you're varmints. You're one of the lowest members of the food chain, and you'll probably be replaced by the rat. Well, I have been pushed. I think it's about time that somebody teach these varmints, a little lesson about morality, and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society! Come to Carl, varmint. Come to Carl. OK, I guess we're playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over, huh? I guess it's just a matter, now, of pumping about 15,000 gallons of water down there, to teach you a little bit of a lesson. Is that it? I think it is!
Carl Spackler: Hello, Mr. Gopher. It's me, Mr. Squirrel. Just a harmless squirrel. Not a plastic explosive or anything. Nothing to be worried about. I'm just here to make your last hours on earth as peaceful as possible. Don't mind this. This is doctor's orders. You don't mind if I just pop in there for a few laughs? That's right. Or in the words of Jean-Paul Sartre: "Au revoir, gopher." This is going to be sweet.
Carl Spackler: I have to laugh, because I've often asked myself, my foe, my enemy, is an animal. In order to conquer him, I have to think like an animal, and whenever possible to look like one. I've got to get inside this dude's pelt, and crawl around for a few days.
Danny Noonan: Hey, Mr. Webb. Can I ask you something?
Ty Webb: Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.
Danny Noonan: Danny.
Ty Webb: Do you take drugs, Danny?
Danny Noonan: Every day.
Ty Webb: Good. So what's the problem?
Danny Noonan: I don't know. Did you have to take that Cooter Preference Test when you were a senior in high school?
Ty Webb: Oh, yes, l took it. They said I should be a fire watcher. What are you supposed to be?
Danny Noonan: An underachiever.
Danny Noonan: I've got to go to college. I've got to.
Ty Webb: Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it?
Danny Noonan: Nah.
Ty Webb: I didn't think so. No, the thing is, do you want to go to college?
Danny Noonan: In Nebraska? Besides, it costs like $8,000 a year.
Ty Webb: Hold on, Danny. I think l let you have, what, $2.50 yesterday? I can't foot the bill for everything around here, so don't ask for money.
Danny Noonan: I'll be working in a lumber yard for the rest of my life.
Ty Webb: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumber yards.
Danny Noonan: I notice you don't spend much time there.
Ty Webb: I'm not sure where they are.
Ty Webb: I like you, Betty.
Danny Noonan: That's Danny, sir.
Ty Webb: Danny.
Ty Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. All you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking. Let things happen, and be the ball. Find your center. Hear nothing. Feel nothing.
Ty Webb: You try it, Danny.
Danny Noonan: Pardon me.
Ty Webb: Pardon you.
Ty Webb: Just relax. Find your center. Picture the shot, Danny. Picture it. Turn off all the sound. Just let it happen. Be the ball. Be the ball, Danny. You're not being the ball, Danny.
Danny Noonan: Well, it's difficult with you talking like that.
Ty Webb: OK, I'm not talking. Stop talking. I'm not talking now. Be the ball.
Danny Noonan: Where did it go?
Ty Webb: Right in the lumber yard.
Judge Smails: Czervik Construction Company? I'll slap an injunction on them so fast it will make their heads spin! And you. You get rid of those gophers, or I'll be looking for a new greenskeeper! Is that clear?
Carl Spackler: Mrs. Crane. I'm looking at you. You wore green so you could hide. I don't blame you. You're a tramp. Oh, that was a good one! Oh, That was right where you wanted it. Oh, Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman, you know that? You're a little monkey woman. You're lean, and you're mean and you're not too far between either I bet, are you, huh? Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?
Sandy: Carl, damn your eyes. I told you to cut the long grass on the 13th, and to mow the practice green!
Carl Spackler: I was unavoidably detained.
Sandy: You can forget about the 13th, and the practice green. I've got a more important job for you. I want you to kill every gopher on the course!
Carl Spackler: Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they are going lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy: Gophers, you great git! Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents!
Carl Spackler: We can do that. We don't even have to have a reason.
Sandy: Then do it, man!
Carl Spackler: Alright, let's do the same thing, but with gophers.
Carl Spackler: It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying.
Mr. Haverkamp: That's a peach, hon.
Mr. Haverkamp: Oh golly, I'm hot today.
Lou: What does that sign say?
Angie D'Annunzio: No bare feet.
Lou: What does that sign say?
Angie D'Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou: What does it mean?
Angie D'Annunzio: No fighting.
Lou: You owe me one gumball machine! What's that candy wrapper doing there? Don't you see it? Well, pick it up!
Lou: I'm going to put it right on the line. There have been a lot of complaints already. Fooling around on the course. Bad language. Smoking grass. Poor caddying. So, if you guys want to get fired... If you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up.
Lou: Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer school from a severe anxiety attack.
Motormouth: I heard he swallowed his vomit during a test.
Lou: However it happened, he was a good caddy and a good kid.
Tony D'Annunzio: He was a brown nose, Lou! You hated him.
Lou: Shut up! That means the caddy scholarship is available again, and anyone who's interested should go see Judge Smails.
Motormouth: And kiss his ass!
Lou: That would help.
Lou: You. Angie. Pick up that blood.
Dr. Beeper: Just snake a tube down her nose, and I'll be there in four or five hours.
Judge Smails: Don't you have homes?
Judge Smails: Spaulding! Get dressed. You're playing golf today.
Spaulding: No, I'm not, Grandpa! I'm playing tennis!
Judge Smails: You're playing golf and you're going to like it!
Spaulding: What about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma!
Judge Smails: What did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: I don't keep score, Judge.
Judge Smails: How do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.
Judge Smails: I mean, he's been Club champion for three years running, and I'm no slouch, myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short, Judge. You're a tremendous slouch.
Al Czervik: Here you are, kid. Park my car. Get my bags. And put on some weight, will you?
Al Czervik: Hey, Wang! What's with the pictures? It's a parking lot! Come on, will you? I think this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell them you're Jewish, OK, fine.
Tony D'Annunzio: Oh, Madonna with meatballs.
Judge Smails: Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper, this is my niece, Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
Dr. Beeper: It must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.
Lacey Underall: Yes. l was getting really tired of having fun all the time.
Al Czervik: Hey, Whitey! Where's your hat? Let's go while we're young!
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I bet you slice it into the woods. A hundred bucks!
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir, and I never slice! Damn!
Al Czervik: OK. You can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing!
Joey D'Annunzio: You want your driver?
Al Czervik: No, he's not my type. Hey, that's a joke! I'm kidding. Give me the driver.
Danny Noonan: Why don't you improve your lie a little, sir?
Judge Smails: Yes, Yes. Winter rules.
Al Czervik: Fore! I should have yelled two!
Tony D'Annunzio: What have you got in here, rocks?
Al Czervik: Are you kidding? When I was your age, I would lug 50 pounds of ice up five, six flights of stairs!
Tony D'Annunzio: So what?
Al Czervik: So let's dance!
Judge Smails: The man is a menace! Cut that off! Music is a violation of our personal privacy! He is breaking the law!
Danny Noonan: I'd planned to go to law school after I graduated, but, my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Al Czervik: Oh, you're a funny kid, you know. What time
you due back in Boys Town?
Al Czervik: Albert Einstein gave me this. Nice man.
He made a fortune in physics.
Motormouth: You know, I've often thought
of becoming a golf club.
Al Czervik: I tell you, country clubs and cemeteries are the biggest wasters of prime real estate! Dead people? They don't want to be buried nowadays. Ecology, right? Ask Wang. He'll tell you. We just bought property behind the Great Wall. On the good side!
Spaulding: I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips.
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing and like it!
Al Czervik: Hey, Smails! A thousand bucks you miss that putt!
Judge Smails: Of all the nerve! [misses putt]
Carl Spackler: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy. In this case, my enemy is a varmint, and a varmint will never quit. Ever. They're like the Viet Cong. Varmint Cong. So what you have got to do, you have got to fall back on superior firepower, and superior intelligence. And that's all she wrote.
Spaulding: Are you going to eat your fat?
Judge Smails: Lacey, you'd be interested in knowing that this uniform was given to me by the Captain of the Links of St. Andrews from Scotland. They invented the game there, you know, except they call it "gof", without the "L" as we do.
Al Czervik: So I tell you, when Mona died last winter, I said to myself, "Al, if you keep busting your hump 16, 20 hours a day you'll end up with a $60 million funeral, you know."
Al Czervik: Hey doll, could you scare up another round for our table, over here? And tell the cook this is low grade dog food, alright. And here, take this for yourself. Geez, I had better food at the ballgame! I tell you, this steak still has marks where the jockey was hitting it.
Al Czervik: Well, anyway, today I just stick to real estate. With the market these days, if you own anything but land, you own a popcorn fart! [farts proudly] Oh, somebody step on a duck?
Al Czervik: Hey, waiter, here. This is for you, alright? Oh! Captain Hook! Oh, how about the grand you owe me, huh? Aw, forget about it. I'm just kidding, alright. This is your wife, huh? Oh, a lovely lady. Hey, baby, you're alright. You must have been something before electricity, huh?
Al Czervik: Oh, this is your grandson, huh? Oh, wonderful boy! Yeah, he's a good boy. Now I know why tigers eat their young, you know.
Carl Spackler: Pay no attention to that bush moving around there by that tree. It's just a bush. Don't even look twice at it. Nothing to be alarmed about. This looks like it could be gravy. I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.
Al Czervik: Hey! Can you make a bullshot?
Tony D'Annunzio: Can you make a shoe smell?
Al Czervik: What people here! Look at that one. The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!
Ty Webb: So what brings you to this nape of the woods...neck of the wape?
Lacey Underall: What do you do for excitement?
Ty Webb: Oh, I play a lot of golf.
Lacey Underall: I'll bet you've got a lot of interesting stories about your ball landing in the road.
Lacey Underall: You want to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?
Carl Spackler: Freeze, gopher!
Al Czervik: What do you say we bust up this joint, huh?
Al Czervik: Ringo, play something hot, will you? And you guys, take some more lessons!
Al Czervik: Hey, Judge, give someone else a chance! You lucky devil! Come here, honey! And hey, loosen up! You're a lot of woman, you know? You want to make $14 the hard way?
Carl Spackler: Wait up, girls. I've got a salami I've got to hide, still.
Carl Spackler: I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner, and I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena!
Carl Spackler: Come on, bark like a dog for me. Bark like a dog! I will teach you the meaning of the word "respect"!
Ty Webb: He was night-putting. Just putting at night with the 15 year old daughter of the Dean.
Ty Webb: The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote: "A flute with no holes is not a flute, and a doughnut with no hole is a Danish." He was a funny guy.
Ty Webb: In one physical model of the universe, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line in the opposite direction.
Tony D'Annunzio: Miss it Noonan. Miss!
Spaulding: Doodie!
Judge Smails: I want the entire pool scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected!
Carl Spackler: [Picks up Baby Ruth bar] There it is. It's no big deal. [Takes a bite of the Baby Ruth bar and grins]
Lacey Underall: I tried calling, but they don't have a listing for Mr. Wonderful.
Ty Webb: What spelling did you use?
Ty Webb: Would you like a drink? Tuna Colada, perhaps?
Lacey Underall: Who's your decorator, Benihana?
Lacey Underall: You were in the war?
Ty Webb: Uh, no. Homo. Much better now, though.
Lacey Underall: My uncle says you've got a screw loose.
Ty Webb: Your uncle molests collies.
Ty Webb: And you're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.
Lacey Underall: You're crazy!
Ty Webb: That's what they said about Son of Sam.
Lacey Underall: Looks like you're going to make a lot of money when you're older.
Danny Noonan: Oh, yeah? When? How?
Lacey Underall: Could be in the market, or on a game show.
Al Czervik: Hey, Smails! My dinghy is bigger than your whole boat!
Al Czervik: Okay. Drop anchor. Hey, you scratched my anchor.
Bishop: So what do you think?
Carl Spackler: I'd keep playing. l don't think the heavy stuff is going to come down for quite a while.
Bishop: You're right.Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life. I'm infallible, young fellow!
[Misses last putt]
Rat farts!
[Struck by lightning]
Lou: You're a good egg, Noonan. She needs you. Pick up that Kleenex.
Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?
Judge Smails: You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency? Fiddlesticks! My name is Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are.
Judge Smails: You're not a man. You're a Bishop, for God's sakes!
Bishop: There is no God!
Dr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.
Ty Webb: Guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.
Judge Smails: Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!
Al Czervik: Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy snobatorium?
Al Czervik: He called me a baboon. Thinks I'm his wife.
Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction!
Al Czervik: Oh, you want satisfaction. I'll tell you what's real satisfying. Cash!
Ty Webb: I don't play golf for money, against people.
Al Czervik: Are you religious or something?
Ty Webb: You might say that.
Carl Spackler: All right, show yourself, you little varmint! If you've got the guts.
Ty Webb: Is this your place?
Carl Spackler: What do you think?
Ty Webb: It's really, it's really awful.
Carl Spackler: Well, I have a lot of things on order. You know, credit trouble. I'm an assistant greenskeeper. They say that doesn't mean anything until I'm the head greenskeeper.
Carl Spackler: Make yourself at home.
Ty Webb: No, I don't want to stick to anything in here.
Carl Spackler: I invented my own kind of grass, too. Did you know that? Look at this. This is registered Carl Spackler Bent.
Carl Spackler: This is a hybrid. This is a cross bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the Bejesus Belt that night on this stuff. I've got pounds of this stuff.
Carl Spackler: Can I say something to you, frank?
Ty Webb: Ty, Frank.
Carl Spackler: The thing to do with Smails is, if he bothers you, I'll take care of him. What you've got to do to Smails is, you cut the hamstring on the back of his leg, right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again, because he goes back, his weight displacement goes back, and he stays there. All his weight is on his right foot, and he'll be pushing everything off to the right. He'll never come through on anything. He'll quit the game.
Carl Spackler: You got a pool over there?
Ty Webb: We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond. A pond would be good for you.
Judge Smails: Put that steering wheel over here where it belongs, and get this out of here!
Lou: I have a number of tees in my hand. Your Honor, odd or even?
Judge Smails: Odd!
Lou: Odd, it is. Your honor, your Honor.
Al Czervik: That kangaroo stole my ball.
Porterhouse: Fifty bucks the Smails kid picks his nose. All right, kid, take your time.
Lou: Fifty bucks more says he eats it.
Porterhouse: Don't do it, kid!
Lou: There he goes. He's going for it.
Scott: That kid will eat anything!
Al Czervik: Hey, Judge, cheer up, will you?
Judge Smails: My boat needs exactly $20,000 worth of repairs.
Al Czervik: So does your brain! You want to double it?
Dr. Beeper: Probably just a routine emergency.
Al Czervik: Why did l double it? I should have stayed home and played with myself!
Ty Webb: Nobody likes a tattletale, Danny, except, of course, me.
Ty Webb: Sonja Henie is out. We'll take Danny Noonan.
Al Czervik: Don't worry. It's good luck.
Ty Webb: In Haiti!
Danny Noonan: I kind of thought winning wasn't important.
Ty Webb: Me winning isn't. You do.
Danny Noonan: Great grammar.
Ty Webb: Danny. See your future. Be your future. May. Make. Make it. Make it. Make your future, Danny. I'm, I'm a veg, Danny.
Judge Smails: Spaulding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo. Don't let me down, Billy! Forty thousand dollars, Billy!
Ty Webb: Don't worry about this one. If you miss it, we lose.
Carl Spackler: Fore! [Numerous explosions]
Al Czervik: Hey, Moose, Rocco! Help the judge find his checkbook.
Danny's Father: Who are you? What's your name?
Honey, who is this?
Danny's Mother: That's your nephew!
Danny's Father: What are we running, a restaurant?
Danny's Mother: Why don't you give the St. Copius scholarship people a call?
Danny Noonan: I don't know about that place anymore. I talked to a guy who went there. He said there were only two girls and they were both nuns.
Danny's Father: I saw that! That's about 10 bucks and change!
Danny Noonan: I had a couple of burgers and some cokes for lunch.
Danny's Father: How many cokes?
Danny Noonan: Four or five.
Danny's Father: What are you, a diabetic?
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