Golf Song: I Play Eighteen

A golf song parody of "I'm Eighteen"

Lines form on my face and hands
Lines form from the sun and sand
I'm in the middle when the golf ball lands
Golf is joy and I'm a fan

I play eighteen
and I know I'll have some fun
Eighteen
I just know I'll have some fun
Eighteen
I gotta get away
I gotta get out of this place
I'll go golfin in open space
Oh yeah

I got a
player's swing and my goal is par
Took eighteen holes to get this far
Don't always know what my swing is about
Feels like I'm golfin in the middle of doubt
Cause I play

Eighteen
I get amused every day
Eighteen
I just don't know how I'll play
Eighteen
I gotta get away

Lines form on my face and my hands
Lines form when my grip is tight
Golf is a riddle
A riddle of life
Golf is joy and I'm a fan
I play eighteen and I like it
Yes I like it
Oh I like it
Love it
Like it
Love it
Eighteen!
Eighteen!
Eighteen!
Eighteen and I like it

Winston Churchill Golf Quotes

"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose."

"Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."

John Daly 2008 in Review

Tragedy and Comedy

In January, Daly is witnessed by many at a wild party the night before he withdraws from the fourth round of the Bob Hope tournament.

In March 2008, Daly's swing coach Butch Harmon quits, saying that Daly would rather get drunk than play golf.

In April, a video surfaces of Daly playing shirtless and shoeless at Murder Rock Golf Club.

In May, Daly's third ex-wife, Paulette Dean Daly is alleged to have been having an affair with Roger Clemens.

In June, Daly hits a drive off the top of Kid Rock's beer can during the Buick Open pro-am at Warwick Hills.

In September, Daly's fourth ex-wife is arrested for stealing his cell phone.

On Sunday, October 26, 2008, Daly was taken into protective custody by Winston-Salem police after he was found drunk outside an area Hooters restaurant.

In December, Daly grabs a spectator's camera and smashes it against a tree. Spectators weren't supposed to have cameras, and players come to Daly's defense, saying he was unfairly provoked.

Also in December, it is estimated that Daly's month long tour of Australian tournaments generated $3 million worth of business for Australian golf, in exchange for $50,000 worth of hotel accommodations and airfare.

On the last day of the year, Daly announces he has been suspended for six months from the PGA tour for attracting unwanted publicity.

Lee Trevino and Lightning

"If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a one-iron. Not even God can hit a one-iron."

"I've been hit by lightning, and been in the Marine Corps for four years. I've traveled the world, and been about everywhere you can imagine. There's not anything I'm scared of except my wife."

Trevino was struck by lightning in 1975 while playing the Western Open at the Butler National Golf Club in Chicago. In spite of serious back pain caused by the incident, he went on to win nine more PGA events including the 1984 PGA Championship.

Charles Barkley's Golf Swing Facts

His swing scares small children.

When he swings, he looks like a caveman killing his lunch.

It's a swing only a mother could love.

His swing is on the EPA's Superfund cleanup list.

When he tried Stack and Tilt, he stacked and fell over.

Gerald Ford Golf Quotes

"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators."


"I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

Boo Weekley's Orangutan Story

When Boo was a teenager, he and his friends went to a county fair. Outside the fair was a man with a cage in the back of his truck. Inside the truck was an orangutan, and the man was yelling to passersby that he would give ten to one odds to anyone who could beat the orangutan in a fight. Boo's group pitched in a dollar a piece for a five dollar bet, and elected Boo to get in the cage. Before the fight, Boo had to sign a waiver, which he later admitted was a bad sign.

Boo's strategy was to fake a right, and then hit his opponent with a left. He and the orangutan danced around the cage a little bit, then Boo made the first move with his fake -- and that's the last thing he remembered. He woke up in a friend's truck, and then took all sorts of teasing for being knocked out by one punch. Boo and his friends stuck around to watch others try their luck with the orangutan, but not a single one landed a punch.

Boo told this story to his 2008 Ryder Cup team mates to ease the tension.

Things You Won't See at Augusta National

A straight putt.

Club members flashing gang signs.

Kayakers in Rae's creek.

John Daly playing without shoes and a shirt.

John Daly playing with shoes and a shirt.

Dean Martin Golf Quote

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."

Paul Harvey Golf Quote

“Golf is a game in which you yell "Fore!", shoot six, and write down five.”

If Carl Spackler Won the Masters

It would be a Cinderella Story.

He would be the first to win with an eagle on the last hole.

The Dalai Lama would be his caddy for a change.

The greens at Augusta would be changed to Carl Spackler bent.

They would serve Baby Ruth bars at the Champions Dinner.

He could finally swim in the pool instead of the pond.

He would buy the gopher a new home instead of resorting to violence.

The green jacket would look good over his t-shirt.

He would invest all his winnings in lumber yards.

He would be the first Masters champion to host Saturday Night Live.

Boo Weekley Quotes

"Dazed and confused. Just like that movie. That’s me. Dazed and confused."

-- explaining why he didn't know he could give putts in match play


"I’d much rather watch fishing or hunting or NASCAR or something. It’s got to be moving, man. Golf ain’t moving.”

-- explaining why he doesn't watch golf on TV


"They put the red flags on me. I had the cops there. I thought I was going to jail"

-- after being stopped at the airport for having bullets from a hunting trip in his baggage


"You ain't gonna see a redneck surfing."

-- after qualifying for a tournament in Hawaii


"If I showed up out there, they'd think I was a whale that got beached."

-- more comments on surfing


“Wow! I can't believe that I was able to walk through this son-of-a-gun."

-- after his visit to the White House


"All I know is when I get on that airplane I want a raft under me so if it does decide to go in some water. I want to be able to have a fighting chance to get home. I mean to tell you the truth. I didn't know I was going to go over there to play golf."

-- after finding out he was scheduled to play overseas in Europe


"I love to play the game. But my heart is really with huntin' and fishin'.”

-- the game being golf


“I think I was up in a tree deer hunting when I got the call. I was teary-eyed because it was awesome."

-- commenting on representing the US in the World Cup


“Not much. Rice. Oh yeah, I knew the Great Wall of China, but I thought it was closer.”

-- when asked what he knew about China


“It’s caveman golf. Hit it, find it, hit it again. I just try to play it as I see it.”

-- describing the way he plays Augusta National


"What would be funner if I'm sitting at the house catching about a ten pounder."

-- saying he'd rather fish than play in the PGA Championship


“I’m going to feel like I’m all up in a straitjacket, I reckon. I don’t wear them much. Not at all, actually, to tell you the truth.”

-- on having to wear a tuxedo at the Ryder Cup gala


“That’s all on paper that we’re underdogs. You don’t know what you’ve got until you get out there and play with it. It’s like getting a new pack of hounds when we were growing up and going deer hunting. You don’t know what kind of dogs you’ve got until you run them, so let’s run them and we’ll see.”

-- remarking on the chances of the American Ryder Cup team


“It ain’t going to hurt. It never hurts to laugh. You should always laugh at least once or twice a day. I laughed halfway around the golf course today.”

-- commenting on a practice round at the Ryder Cup


“I felt a lot of love. My finger feels it, too. I’ve got a blister on it from where I signed so many autographs.

-- talking about signing autographs at the Ryder Cup


“I can tell you right now these pants I’ve got on are probably the most expensive thing I’ve ever owned, this pair of pants. These things here, they felt like a pair of silk underwear when you’re getting ready to go hunting. They’re unreal.”

-- commenting on the pants he wore at the Ryder Cup


"But I know they're from here, south of here, down south on the border down there, I think. That's all I know. You'll have to ask my aunt."

-- when asked about the location of his ancestors in Britain


"It's rough. It's been rough on that food. It's different eating here than it is at the house. Ain't got no sweet tea, and ain't got no fried chicken."

-- commenting on the food in Britain


"I didn't smuggle a few. I brought a bunch. I think about 20-something and my caddie brought like 30-something."

-- explaining how he had to bring his own dip to Britain


"I don't watch golf. I watch it every now and then when my friends are playing it and stuff like that, but I don't care to watch it."

-- explaining why he didn't know much about the British Open


"I didn't know it was the home of golf. I thought the home of golf was where I was from."

-- when asked if he was going to visit St. Andrews


"I've been to Canada once, but that ain't really like leaving."

-- when asked if he had ever left the United States


Boo Weekley's Orangutan Story

Boo Weekley's Port-a-Potty Story

Dalai Lama Golfing Facts

He has soft spikes on his sandals.

He doesn't use money to pay his green fees or caddies.

He uses reincarnated golf balls.

The Lama is a big hitter.

He's an honorary member of Augusta National.

He sponsors the Nike flowing robe collection.

Gunga Galunga is a local rule he made allowing a free drop from glaciers.

A tip from the Lama led to Paul Azinger's winning Ryder Cup strategy.

He's a four time winner of the Tibet Open.

He's made a golf instruction video called Total Consciousness.

Facts about Tiger Woods' House

Each room is decorated according to a scene from Caddyshack.

There is a full size driving range in the game room.

The trophy case alone is bigger than the average house.

It is the only house visible from the space station with the unaided eye.

Tiger's house has been blessed by the Dalai Lama.

Each bedroom has its own zip code.

A secret tunnel connects Tiger's house to Disney World.

The house has its own nuclear power plant.

The ceilings are so high that sometimes it rains inside.

Tiger keeps his yacht in the swimming pool.

There is a Nike logo on the roof the size of a football field.

Golf Song: Knocking On Heaven's Door

A golf song parody of "Knocking on Heaven's Door"

Caddy, take this staff bag from me
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door

Caddy, put my clubs in the ground
I can't swing them anymore.
That long black cloud is comin' down
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door

Golf Poem: Where the Golf Course Ends

Adapted from the poem, "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein


There is a place where the golf course ends
And before the rough begins,
And there the clouds glow soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the golf ball rests from its flight
Blown there by the prevailing wind.

Let us leave this place where the woods are black
And the cart path winds and bends.
Past the pits where the weeds and crabgrass grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the little white balls go
To the place where the golf course ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the little white balls go,
For the golfers, they swing, and the golfers, they know
The place where the golf course ends.

Tiger Woods' Real Name

Tiger's real, or birth name was Eldrick Tont Woods. By the time he was on the Mike Douglas show at the age of two, he was already being called by his nickname, Tiger. When Tiger became an adult he legally changed his name to Tiger, so Tiger Woods is now his real name. What's little known, in fact only known to me, is that Tiger changed his name after playing the Name Game.

Eldrick, Eldrick, bo-beldrick
Banana-fana fo-feldrick
Fee-fi-mo-meldrick
Eldrick!

Tiger, Tiger, bo-biger
Banana-fana fo-figer
Fee-fi-mo-miger
Tiger!

If John Daly Won the Masters

The Green Jacket would come in extra extra extra large.

Shirt and shoes would be optional at the Champions Dinner.

He would receive free pimento cheese sandwiches for life.

Bobby Jones would roll over.

Magnolia Lane would be widened for his RV.

Satan would need a pair of ice skates.

He could use the clubhouse for future wedding receptions.

Gary McCord would be invited back.

The Masters Trophy would end up in a pawn shop.

He would still have more ex-wives than major championships.

Mark Twain Golf Quote

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

Mark Twain probably never made the above quote, but it sounds like something he would say, and it is widely known as the Mark Twain quote about golf.

Another golf quote attributed to Twain that he probably never said is:

“It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.”