Now that I'm the leader of the free world, I can play golf anywhere I want.
Monday, October 19, 2009
All the World's a Golf Course
Now that I'm the leader of the free world, I can play golf anywhere I want.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Kramer Hits Golf Balls into the Ocean
In this Seinfeld episode, Kramer takes 600 Titleists from a driving range and decides to drive to the beach and hit them into the ocean.
Kramer: Hey! Who wants to have some fun?
Jerry: I do.
George: I do.
Kramer: Now, are you just saying you want to have fun, or do you really want to have fun?
Jerry: I really want to have fun.
George: I'm just saying I want to have some fun.
Kramer: Right now, there are 600 Titleists, that I got from the driving range, in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rockaway and hit them, into the ocean? Now picture this: We find a nice sweet spot between the dunes. We take out our drivers, we tee up, and wumpf, that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then... gloonk.
***
Jerry: I did it for you.
George: I don't know what you had to tell her that for. You put me in a very difficult position... marine biologist. I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know, with all due respect, I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well, it' not up my alley. It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doing. I know my alleys. You've got me in the G islands living with the turtles. I don't where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well, you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing, and.
Look. Why couldn't you make me an architect. You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well, I'm supposed to see her tomorrow. I'm going to tell her what's going on. I mean maybe she just likes me for me.
Kramer: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Hey, you want these? I don't want them!
Jerry: What?
Kramer: I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out there!
Jerry: Well, what happened?
Kramer: I have no concentration!
Jerry: What, what's wrong with your...
Kramer: This sand. I can't get rid of this sand. But there's still some in here. It won't go away! Look at that! I even got sand in the pockets!
Jerry: Hey, come on. You're getting it all over the floor.
***
George: As I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal.
George. Whatever.
Kramer: Hey, what did you do next?
George: Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him, face to face with the blow hole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there, so I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reaches into his jacket, pulls out a golf ball and holds it up.]
Kramer: What is that, a Titleist? A hole in one, huh?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Golf Song: Traces of Golf
Faded clubhouse tabs
Covered now with lines and creases
Scorecards torn in half
Memories in bits and pieces
Traces of golf
Long ago
That didn't work out right
Traces of golf
Tees we used to share
Souvenirs of games together
The glove she used to wear
Fuzzies from an old golf sweater
Traces of golf
Long ago
That didn't work out right
Traces of golf
With me tonight.
I close my eyes
And say a prayer
That in her heart she'll find
A trace of golf still there,
Somewhere
Traces of hope
In the night
That she'll come back and dry
These traces of tears
From my eyes
Friday, October 9, 2009
Caddyshack: Ted Knight as Judge Smails
Judge Elihu Smail's funniest quotes and scenes in Caddyshack.
Judge Smails: [poem] "It's easy to grin when your ship comes in, and you've got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile, when his shorts are too tight in the seat!"
Danny Noonan: I'd planned to go to law school after I graduated, but, my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails: Well, the world needs ditch diggers, too.
Judge Smails: Spaulding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo. Don't let me down, Billy! Forty thousand dollars, Billy!
Judge Smails: Spaulding! Get your foot off the boat.
Judge Smails: Spaulding! Get dressed. You're playing golf today.
Spaulding: No, I'm not, Grandpa! I'm playing tennis!
Judge Smails: You're playing golf and you're going to like it!
Spaulding: What about my asthma?
Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma!
Spaulding: I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips.
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing and like it!
Judge Smails: I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.
Judge Smails: How about a Fresca?
Judge Smails: Put that steering wheel over here where it belongs, and get this out of here!
Judge Smails: What did you shoot today?
Ty Webb: I don't keep score, Judge.
Judge Smails: How do you measure yourself with other golfers?
Ty Webb: By height.
Judge Smails: I mean, he's been Club champion for three years running, and I'm no slouch, myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short, Judge. You're a tremendous slouch.
Al Czervik: Hey, Whitey! Where's your hat? Let's go while we're young!
Judge Smails: Do you mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off.
Al Czervik: I bet you slice it into the woods. A hundred bucks!
Judge Smails: Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir, and I never slice! Damn!
Al Czervik: OK. You can owe me.
Judge Smails: I owe you nothing!
Danny Noonan: Why don't you improve your lie a little, sir?
Judge Smails: Yes, Yes. Winter rules.
Judge Smails: The man is a menace! Cut that off! Music is a violation of our personal privacy! He is breaking the law!
Al Czervik: Hey, Smails! A thousand bucks you miss that putt!
Judge Smails: Of all the nerve! [misses putt]
Judge Smails: Lacey, you'd be interested in knowing that this uniform was given to me by the Captain of the Links of St. Andrews from Scotland. They invented the game there, you know, except they call it "gof", without the "L" as we do.
Judge Smails: I want the entire pool scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected!
Judge Smails: You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.
Bishop: Excellency? Fiddlesticks! My name is Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are.
Judge Smails: You're not a man. You're a Bishop, for God's sakes!
Bishop: There is no God!
Judge Smails: Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!
Al Czervik: Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy snobatorium?
Judge Smails: Don't you have homes?
Judge Smails: Czervik Construction Company? I'll slap an injunction on them so fast it will make their heads spin! And you. You get rid of those gophers, or I'll be looking for a new greenskeeper! Is that clear?
Lou: I have a number of tees in my hand. Your Honor, odd or even?
Judge Smails: Odd!
Lou: Odd, it is. Your honor, your Honor.
Al Czervik: Hey, Judge, cheer up, will you?
Judge Smails: My boat needs exactly $20,000 worth of repairs.
Al Czervik: So does your brain! You want to double it?
Monday, October 5, 2009
Shankopotamus E*Trade Golf Baby Commercial
Baby: Oh, this is weak man. Frank's trying to not pay me my winnings for the skins beat down I just issued him, because his 401K is tanking. It's like, dude, you gotta grab the reins, man, get E*Trade, do some analytics, do some research, and take charge, so I don't have to subsidize your lack of golfing skills.
Frank: But on the ninth hole, you moved your ball.
Baby: Frank, it was on the cart path. Why don't you try reading the rules, Shankopotamus?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Tiger Woods Earns His Billionth Dollar
By winning the 2009 FedEx Cup, Forbes magazine estimates that Tiger has now earned over one billion dollars. Tiger says he's thinking about hiring an extra caddy to carry his wallet.
Boo Weekley's Happy Gilmore Bull Dance
Boo Weekley gallops off the first tee to start his Sunday singles match at the 2008 Ryder Cup. Boo won his match 4 and 2, making six birdies and one eagle.
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